Sèverine Howell-Meri

What’s your full name?

Sèverine Howell-Meri.

Where were you born/brought up?

Tooting, South West London.

What do you do for a living?

I’m an actor / actress.

What’s your ethnicity?

Black French Caribbean (Guadeloupean) and white British.

How old were you when you became conscious that people saw you differently? What impact did that have on you?

I have memories from primary school of kids asking me why my hair looks the way it is, why it’s so bushy, why I always wore it in 2 braids and asking why it looked like a poodle’s hair. My earliest memory of it must have been when I was around 8 or 9? But I think it was happening sooner. I also remember them asking me questions about which side do I prefer (French or English), or asking me in ways that felt quite forceful to pick a football team to support in the world cup if England and France were playing each other. In all honesty, since I was quite young, I often felt confused about why they would ask me things like that at all. Kids don’t understand racism unless it’s taught, so I never viewed it as that. I would either get defensive and ask them to leave me alone or respond as both French and English because I am both. A game of England vs France is a win / win for me. Some days were harder than others, as I developed a deep need to please people in order to be liked by them. Now I know for a fact that that attitude isn’t healthy. Looking back more than a decade later, I can begin to put those feelings of isolation and fear into words.

Describe your most memorable moments when you were made aware of being mixed race.

Often it was celebrated by my family because I think mixed raced people are viewed very differently in some parts of the Caribbean. I remember being called things like “pretty” because I’m mixed and I’d often wonder why my family of darker skin tones weren’t always viewed the same way by strangers or by each other. Once on a beach in Greece, a black man was selling some handbags and started asking me where I’m from. There were a lot of white people on this beach so he mentioned how I stood out. When I responded that I’m from London, he persisted to ask where I’m originally from. That’s definitely a situation which I think a lot of black, mixed and Asian people can recognise. I explained to him that my mother is Caribbean and my father is British and he said “ah yes, see I’m dark chocolate, everyone here is vanilla. But you… you’re half half no?” Whilst he didn’t mean any harm and it was said with light hearted intent, comments like that still make me feel uncomfortable because I don’t see myself as a beverage or cocktail made up of half this or half that. I see myself as a person and that’s all there is to it. 

When I was in drama school, we were asked to tell the class about ourselves to get to know each other and we’d drawn out an imaginary ‘world map’ on the floor. We were asked to pick out where our home was on the map. When it was my go, I took the longest to answer out of everyone because I felt London was my home but that I would have disrespected my Caribbean culture if I’d picked London. Eventually, I picked Guadeloupe. Partly because I wanted to say something different to the rest of the class (most people were from the UK) but mostly because it’s the truth. I have a different feeling of coming home when I go to Guadeloupe than I do when I’m in London, and I wanted to share that with the class. I remember my teacher pushing me to make a decision, but I didn’t want to rush. When I asked my teacher if I could pick 2, he said “no” and this only made me feel like I was wasting everyone’s time. Putting that pressure on me to pick a side is the same feeling I experienced in Primary school. It’s not always easy to navigate being mixed when you feel like you’re wasting people’s time because your answer is slightly different. 

On the flip side, I’ve been made aware of the privilege that comes with having lighter brown skin when talking to my friends or family who have darker skin than me. I’ve witnessed some of my friends with darker skin experience racism in ways I’ve never come close to. Of course, it would be wrong to claim our two experiences to be the same, so the best thing I can do for them is listen when they’re sharing their experiences with me. I’m lucky to have loved ones who understand that being mixed means I’ve encountered racism too, but unfortunately, not everyone is as understanding.

Do you feel your parents prepared you for life as a mixed race person?

My mum did her best with what knowledge she had at the time. She never mentioned much about my race growing up because she never wanted me and my younger brother to see ourselves as different. She taught us about our culture, but rarely about our skin tone being darker than white children. She didn’t want to teach us to be “mixed raced” kids, she wanted us to simply be kids who were proud to come from two cultures. It’s only very recently that we started to have conversations about difficulties surrounding race in my childhood. Purely because I’ve started to find the words to express the feelings I couldn’t explain to her as a child. Although it’s confusing and difficult to talk about these things, she listens and tries to accept things as best as she can.

What ignorant comments have you heard about being mixed-race that really rile you?

That “racism isn’t really our problem because we’re only half…” I’ve had this one said to me before when I was reading ‘Why I’m no longer talking to white people about Race’. It really got to me because I don’t have to experience someone calling me the n word to read a book like that and want to educate myself. Also, because of the shade of my skin, no one is ever going to look at me and assume I’m completely white; therefore, it is possible for me to experience racism and I definitely have experienced it. Although I can never claim the experiences of people with darker skin to be the same as my own.

What do you wish people who aren’t mixed-race understood?

People viewing me as more one side of my ethnicity than the other based on my appearance and decisions is always difficult and can be hurtful. I want to be accepted for being made up of two cultures and exploring them both in their own right, rather than be accused of being “too much” of one side or the other. I’m not acting too white for my intellect, nor am I acting too black for frying plantain and braiding my hair. It’s tiring having to justify your existence to people who aren’t comfortable with it. 

Using the word ‘fetishise’ is scary for some people. But sadly, it’s done about mixed raced people all the time. Some people love the idea of having mixed raced children because they’re “exotic” and “beautiful” and “look the prettiest” or whatever. Or some people intend to date outside of their own ethnicity because they want to be an exotic couple rather than because they like the person they’re dating. I’ve seen pages on Instagram set up specifically for interracial dating and that’s quite a scary thing to me because that’s a clear example of fetishising which is so widely accepted that it seems ok. Of course, we may have a ‘type’, but when people make statements like “I want to date a black man because I want mixed kids like the Kardashians have” it makes me wonder about their future children and how that child would feel if they were to know you said that about them. Once you have a child, you still get the person to raise, not just the aesthetic, and it’s important to let that child know you love them first and foremost because they’re your child, not just because they’re mixed.

Do you think mixed race people/families are well represented in the media?

In the industry I work in, I’m absolutely seeing more platforms become available for people of colour to share their experiences. However, those stories are often centred around racism, slavery and injustice. These narratives are vital, but too many of them lead to a one-dimensional representation of us when there is an abundance of other tales we’ve told that don’t get the recognition they deserve. I want to see more people of colour included in stories that have nothing to do with race. Having said that, I don’t think mixed raced people are included enough when it comes to the conversation of racial discrimination and telling stories about it. We are included, but not as much as someone who comes from one ethnic background and that can make it difficult to feel like you have a right to contribute too. The more we can see ethnic families and people being cast in stories that have nothing to do with race, the closer we get towards better representation because it “normalises” our existence in an industry that hasn’t accepted us as the norm. For instance, casting black, mixed or Asian girls in stories because they tell the story best and the story isn’t necessarily about being black or mixed or Asian. I think it’s getting better, but we still have a long way to go.

Back in the late 19th century/early 20th century being mixed race held a stigma, as it was clear proof of interracial relations which was seen as an affront to society’s morals. Do you think it’s easier nowadays to be mixed race or is it more that racism has become subtler?

I like to think that it’s easier to be mixed raced now than it was for the generation before me, mainly because there are more of us now than there were, say, in the 60s. But has the racism they experienced gone away? No, I don’t think so. Having spoken to mixed raced people from the generation before mine, it only seems to have become more subtle. I’ve spoken to some people who think that racism doesn’t exist anymore, or that certain statements aren’t racist because nobody is using the n word or calling someone a “black…”. Sadly, it isn’t always that straightforward. Now, racism can manifest itself in so many more ways which are much more difficult to prove, and we need to start identifying those as racism too rather than being afraid of the word and replacing it with things like “inappropriate” or “intolerant”. Often, some obvious cases of racism are not even believed. Interracial couples are much more common now, yet some people still hold up their hands and say they aren’t racist by using their black partners or friends as proof of such. That’s not ok. It’s still possible to be racist or say and do racist things whilst dating a person of colour. We aren’t your pass to treat other people differently. The good thing about this generation of black, brown and mixed raced people, is that we’re lucky enough to have words to define things like microaggressions, passive aggressive behaviour etc. Being able to define these things with others who have also experienced it makes it easier to talk about and cope with. Whereas for previous generations, terms like that didn’t always exist or weren’t used in the same context.

Is being mixed race a burden or a blessing for you?

A blessing – I wouldn’t change it for the world. I get to say I’m from two cultures; learn and understand them both and say that I am Guadeloupean and British. That’s something I’ve learnt to feel eternally grateful for.

Have you felt a struggle with your identity? If so, how did you deal with it and if you are now at peace with who you are, how did you come to a place of self-acceptance?

I’m still finding new ways to be at peace with myself every day. I love learning new things about my culture and I’m now much more actively searching for ways to learn about my Caribbean culture independently. Whereas growing up, there was a time when I felt embarrassed to speak French. Now, I’m prouder of it because I’m trying to unlearn some of the teachings in this country about Britishness and privilege being the best ways forward. It was a lack of representation of other cultures that contributed massively to this teaching when I was growing up. Simple things such as the main character in your children's story books always being a young white girl, or the majority of your favourite cartoon characters never spoke languages other than English. Repeatedly seeing these things condition you to believe that people who look like that are the norm and are therefore the best ones to tell those stories. That’s simply not true.

Reading, talking to other people who are similar to me, asking my family about the things we’ve found difficult when it comes to ethnicity and culture – actively seeking ways to educate myself and reverse my previous ignorance. Those are things that have really helped me to embrace myself and come to the level of self-acceptance I’m at today. Of course, there’s still loads more to learn, that’s all part of the journey. It never stops and some days you need extra reminding from yourself to do it.

What advice would you give yourself?

Stop trying to impress other people, not all of them will be around forever anyway. Impressing yourself is more important.