Aiyana Springer

[1999. One of the only family photos of all four of us. Me, my Mum, my sister and my Dad taken on my dad’s timed camera.]

1997 | Reading, UK | italian & bajan

My parents separated when I was a baby, so growing up my cultures were split into two households, which my sister and I had to traverse. I found it hard navigating my identity between households because the physical separation of my cultures had enabled a subconscious separation of them. I felt that this was very present in my behaviours, because I acted completely different depending on who’s house I was in - the rules were very different and so were the expectations; my dad’s house was very strict vs my mum’s house which was a mellow, relaxed environment. There were many contrasts such as; dressing properly every day vs pyjama days, helping me do my hair vs leaving me to do it on my own, cleaning up after myself vs not cleaning up, responsibility vs no responsibility.

Looking back, I never brought my cultures and identity together because I was never required to. However, I managed to identify the glitches in Italian and Bajan culture where they mirrored each other; such as the importance of food and cooking for people to show your love and appreciation, involvement of family and speaking up. I started merging my identities from here subconsciously from around 14/15yrs old and consciously from around 16/17 years old. It took a few extra years to make that conscious shift because I was still very much in that ‘I must conform mindset’, and it wasn’t until sixth form I was able to step out of that and focus on exploring what I liked and doing and being what/who I wanted to be.

I have always been aware that I am perceived differently by other people but growing up I struggled to understand why. I thought it was my features, but especially my hair because it was the first thing people would notice, and call ‘frizzy’ – which then caused me to always straighten it because ‘frizzy hair wasn’t pretty’. At school people would react to me with two extremes; either accepting me the way I was, or they’d make passing comments such as “You act and talk so white”, ‘You’re just a white girl really’, whilst others would say to me “You think you’re black”. Such comments were projections of their own confusion but at the time I don't think people understood how belittling and uncomfortable such comments made me feel, to the point where I would shrink myself. I made it my mission to blend in, to not stand out, to be average. 

Where I live is a diverse, multicultural town with a strong positive Afro-Caribbean presence; it also has the largest Bajan population in the world outside of Barbados. Being mixed race in Reading is normalised because there are so many of us living here. However, when I left for University it was a very different story; leaving for University I wasn’t sure what to expect, yet somehow, I had this naïve assumption that most places would be like Reading - or as diverse. I initially really struggled to relate to anyone at University because I didn’t see many people who were mixed – we mixed folk tend to have a sixth sense for identifying each other. But on my course I was the only mixed race female and thus the only black representative; there were a fair amount of  other minority groups Asian, Filipino, Chinese, Eastern Europeans – but no black people and only three mixed race people. I became forcefully and consciously aware that I was mixed because in an overwhelmingly white environment I stood out, and as a result found myself being challenged more often with micro-aggressions. University put me in some very awkward and uncomfortable situations, some included verbal micro-aggressions such as people asking me…”Why do black people do this?”, “OMG, you’re so black”–  there was a lecture on slavery and colonialism where I felt the lecturer was using language which personified ‘othering’ when speaking about black people, which made me feel uncomfortable so I went to speak to the lecturer about it, but my friend convinced me not to. All these uncomfortable scenes allowed me to see and understand my own power in being mixed race, a power I had initially hidden from. I began to start speaking up when I didn’t find the topic of conversation appropriate, educate people on certain topics and their use of language, challenge preconceived notions, as well as challenging the way individuals would compliment me; cool is not a compliment.

I believe the best way forward in terms of discussing racism is through education; including all racial groupings to be part of the discussion will enable individuals the opportunity to understand and process someone else’s truths, ideologies, concepts, and viewpoints. Etiquette, respect, reason, and education is the only way we will be able to engage REAL racial discussions that will evoke change.

Merging my identities has required self-acceptance, understanding and an innate awareness of myself.

I am mixed race.

I identify as mixed race.

Two different cultures and races came together to create me. I will not conform to the monoracial ideology that I ‘must choose one race’ because’ I can ‘only be one race.’ My identity is bound to multiple identities; identities that are in a continuous state of change.

[2019. My Graduation day with my parents and sister.]